So is it me? Or have you noticed that when I begin to feel encouraged...(and I write about it) that something else comes to steal my joy! Whether it is an argument with Glen...or a brawl with the kids. Today, I am putting my foot down. No more riding waves. I need to show the firm foundation that I have built my entire life on. The one that doesn't sway with indecision...the one that stands for all time!! So...no pity party today!!
I have actually been busy. Went to my sleep study...lived through that...but still have no results from UNC as of this post. Came home to spend some time with the scrapbook DIVAs. They actually were out of work for a few days...and wanted to see if life was truly better NOT working. (They said they could get used to my schedule) We laughed and cut up. Worked on some Christmas gifts. Chip board albums for some. Christmas cards for others. I served as the "helper" for both. Approving of the color...or cutting out the letters that were needed to complete that one page that is missing something!! Was a great couple of days.
Also this week, my parents wedding anniversary. Married 38 years, and my mom is still putting up with my daddy!! LOLOL They are a great example to us about what God expects out of marriage. They are as crazy as bedbugs...but they are MINE and I LOVE em.
Kelsey Jeanne had a solo in the school play. She did a great job...sang beautifully...hit every dance move...and looked adorable. (I'll take credit for that!!! Took forever to blowdry her hair!)
I somehow managed to squeeze in a little shopping for the kids. Still have my dad and Caleb to buy for. We hit some of the clothing stores today. These kids keep growing..and no matter how quickly I buy things...they seem to outgrow things before they even get the wear out of it. UGH...I know, I know...they are supposed to be like that at this stage in life...but I miss those little cuties that I used to chase around the house. Now...I chase them... but sometimes with a frying pan in my hand!! :O)
Tomorrow we have a breakfast instead of Sunday school...so I am making my famous biscuits and gravy. One of Kelsey's favorites. And I don't do a lot of cooking lately, but I figured I better try to keep my skills honed. Tonight we made our Christmas cookies. They were baked with love...(hope that flavor is the one to come through!) These will be distributed tomorrow after Morning church service. With everyone knowing that Rev Glen Keefer...didn't set foot in the kitchen to help...even though his name appears on the gift tag!! LOLOLOL
Heard from some of our NY family & friends. Yeah...for those of you southern folks that read this....THERE are still people left in NY. They have not ALL moved south! I love hearing about what is going on with them. Makes me miss home, and those comfortable places that we had before moving to NC. They know the Keefers...before we were the keefers..and that is saying something!!!
All right clock is heading for 1:30am...and this lady needs to be presentable in the morning...so I am going to try for a little sleep. We have Joyce's Christmas party tomorrow night. I am so excited. I pretend to bake. Joyce is our resident expert. I have not had anything that she prepared that I didn't like...(and that is saying something from this picky eater!!!) I picked up a gift for her...I hope she likes it!
All right kids...Have a lovely Sunday...spend some time with your creator...I hear that his birthday celebration is rapidly approaching. Don't forget that HE is the reason for this season!!!
Talk at cha
Jo
^i^
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Ramblings in the wee hours
So it is late...or should I say early morning on Weds Dec 12.
I can't sleep again. Stress. That is why. Have my sleep study tonight. Can't say that I am looking forward to it. LOL.
Not a good night at the Keefer house. I am frustrated. With Kids...husband, and a lack of support and obedience from them. Ever get the feeling like you are in over your head? I am SO there.
Maybe I was meant to be a Doctor or a lawyer? Maybe an astronaut? Maybe anything but what I am today. I am just NOT feeling it. AT all. Life seems like it is passing me by and I sit at the sidelines waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to take a more active role in shaping my future. Maybe I need to go back to school? Maybe get back to finding out who I am.
I mean, I got married so young. Then only about 6 months of marriage...I was pregnant with Caleb. Not a whole lot of time to "chart my own course" as an adult. I feel like I went from being my father's daughter to being my husband's wife. I never really did anything on my own. EVER. Yet I am quick to try to instill that in Kelsey. I want her to grow to be self sufficient, to stand on her own two feet as a woman. Maybe I am not the right person to teach her how? Maybe she needs the mentoring of someone who has been there and done that.
Glen isn't much help when I start pondering these things. His answer to everything is that if you ignore it; it will go away. I don't want this to go away. To put the issue on the shelf only to have it resurface again. I want to deal with it so that future decisions will not leave me in the quandry of what the "next" thing to do is. I am feeling like that is not the answer to this one. I am definately feeling inadequate. My husband let me know that I don't do much right anymore. So what now? Pretend like everything is ok again....
I don't think so. I feel like I need to do something. Maybe a change of scenery. Maybe that is exactly what I need. Hmmm.... Wonder where a middle aged woman can go to "find" herself?
Maybe I could be useful to my family if I had a better handle on who I am? Then again...maybe they would decide once and for all that they really don't like the "me" that I have become. And then what?
Gonna try to get some rest and mull this one over. Not feeling so "triumphant" tonight. Not feeling like there is hope at the end of the trial. Just feeling kind of beat up and beat down.
I can't sleep again. Stress. That is why. Have my sleep study tonight. Can't say that I am looking forward to it. LOL.
Not a good night at the Keefer house. I am frustrated. With Kids...husband, and a lack of support and obedience from them. Ever get the feeling like you are in over your head? I am SO there.
Maybe I was meant to be a Doctor or a lawyer? Maybe an astronaut? Maybe anything but what I am today. I am just NOT feeling it. AT all. Life seems like it is passing me by and I sit at the sidelines waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to take a more active role in shaping my future. Maybe I need to go back to school? Maybe get back to finding out who I am.
I mean, I got married so young. Then only about 6 months of marriage...I was pregnant with Caleb. Not a whole lot of time to "chart my own course" as an adult. I feel like I went from being my father's daughter to being my husband's wife. I never really did anything on my own. EVER. Yet I am quick to try to instill that in Kelsey. I want her to grow to be self sufficient, to stand on her own two feet as a woman. Maybe I am not the right person to teach her how? Maybe she needs the mentoring of someone who has been there and done that.
Glen isn't much help when I start pondering these things. His answer to everything is that if you ignore it; it will go away. I don't want this to go away. To put the issue on the shelf only to have it resurface again. I want to deal with it so that future decisions will not leave me in the quandry of what the "next" thing to do is. I am feeling like that is not the answer to this one. I am definately feeling inadequate. My husband let me know that I don't do much right anymore. So what now? Pretend like everything is ok again....
I don't think so. I feel like I need to do something. Maybe a change of scenery. Maybe that is exactly what I need. Hmmm.... Wonder where a middle aged woman can go to "find" herself?
Maybe I could be useful to my family if I had a better handle on who I am? Then again...maybe they would decide once and for all that they really don't like the "me" that I have become. And then what?
Gonna try to get some rest and mull this one over. Not feeling so "triumphant" tonight. Not feeling like there is hope at the end of the trial. Just feeling kind of beat up and beat down.
Christmas is coming
And I am SOOO not ready!
I am doing my best to do a little bit everyday. Shop and prep for the kids at least. BUT there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day for me. Some things just come really easy, like shopping for Kelsey. I can shop for her with no issue...but finding things for Caleb. Harder than I thought. I could buy the list of video games that he wants. But I want to find something that means more than the couple of hours that he will spend playing it, until the game offers no challenge....and it goes into the piles of "games that offer no challenge".
So I am still on a quest for finding something special for him. On top of Christmas, I have 2 more days until my parents wedding anniversary. And 9 days until Cay's 14th birthday. Good times. Needless to say I am busy.
Church was good on Sunday. Glen spoke about giving EVERYTHING to God. Everything. Trusting that his plan for us is a good one. Relying on it to the point of letting everything go and depending on what HE has for us. There were several people missing. The same ones that have recently shown themselves to be less than concerned about being present in church. I am grateful for the families that God has given to us that are there. Even when there is sickness abounding. Even had one of the newest...Brandon Jacob. born to a couple in the church weighing in at 10 lbs 4 oz. OUCH. He is a big baby! We had a couple of familiar faces come back for a visit.
So still have lots of stuff to do....still not feeling good....but there are more tests looming in my near future. BUT that is ok...I am pushing to feel better in 2008.
I am doing my best to do a little bit everyday. Shop and prep for the kids at least. BUT there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day for me. Some things just come really easy, like shopping for Kelsey. I can shop for her with no issue...but finding things for Caleb. Harder than I thought. I could buy the list of video games that he wants. But I want to find something that means more than the couple of hours that he will spend playing it, until the game offers no challenge....and it goes into the piles of "games that offer no challenge".
So I am still on a quest for finding something special for him. On top of Christmas, I have 2 more days until my parents wedding anniversary. And 9 days until Cay's 14th birthday. Good times. Needless to say I am busy.
Church was good on Sunday. Glen spoke about giving EVERYTHING to God. Everything. Trusting that his plan for us is a good one. Relying on it to the point of letting everything go and depending on what HE has for us. There were several people missing. The same ones that have recently shown themselves to be less than concerned about being present in church. I am grateful for the families that God has given to us that are there. Even when there is sickness abounding. Even had one of the newest...Brandon Jacob. born to a couple in the church weighing in at 10 lbs 4 oz. OUCH. He is a big baby! We had a couple of familiar faces come back for a visit.
So still have lots of stuff to do....still not feeling good....but there are more tests looming in my near future. BUT that is ok...I am pushing to feel better in 2008.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Is it Christmas?
I am just starting to feel the "pressure" of Christmas. With the baby shower for Bryan and Dawn over, I can once again focus on things that I have to do.
Speaking of the shower...it went very well. Bryan and Dawn got a lot of great things for little Ethen. And I am VERY glad that it is over. Not because it wasn't fun, it was. I made my first "diaper cake" (which got rave reviews.) But I don't care to see another latex balloon for a while.
I have NO idea what I will be getting my kids for Christmas. They are now at an age where there isn't one thing that will just DELIGHT them. Kind of takes the fun out of Christmas for me. I used to love to seek out that one very special item that they longed to have. I loved to see their little faces light up when it was under the tree for them. Not like that anymore.
So...there are a couple of movies, a couple of Nintendo DS games that they would like to own...some CD's....yadah yadah yadah! Junk if you ask me. Can't find a Wii anywhere for them. So that seems to be out of the picture. Both need clothes... but they hate getting clothes as gifts. Seems more like a necessity than a "gift"
Other than that, things are ok. I am dealing with my Short term Disability people trying to get paid for my time out of work right now. That is proving to be my biggest challenge. (If only life could stay that way!!! LOL)
I got a really cool email from my friend Logey. Talking about making Tuesday a prayer day in her life. She sent it asking that her friends join her in praying. I am ALL about it. I think that if we can truly get behind a prayer day in our lives, and in the lives of our families, we could move the hand of God.
2 Chronicles 7:14-
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
Isn't this what we need? A national healing? Something miraculous to shake us from our slumber? I wonder if we, as a nation, approached life with the same zeal that we do our time with God...if we would be as prosperous as we are in America? Some how I doubt it. There is always time for 'other' things. Always time to do the things that we deem 'important'. But when was the last time that we realized that what we do in the spiritual far outweighs the natural accomplishments that we boast about.
I want my everlasting testimony to stand strong. Even more so than my resume' and the accomplishments that I achieve here on earth. That my "God Story" would impact those around me to live a little closer... My husband preached it on Sunday. That we need to be OPEN books. Not a great novel hidden for all time. But a living story of God's grace and mercy in action.
Hope that you find your self...re-reading some of your pages. Looking for the God moments that have changed your perception of situations.
Speaking of the shower...it went very well. Bryan and Dawn got a lot of great things for little Ethen. And I am VERY glad that it is over. Not because it wasn't fun, it was. I made my first "diaper cake" (which got rave reviews.) But I don't care to see another latex balloon for a while.
I have NO idea what I will be getting my kids for Christmas. They are now at an age where there isn't one thing that will just DELIGHT them. Kind of takes the fun out of Christmas for me. I used to love to seek out that one very special item that they longed to have. I loved to see their little faces light up when it was under the tree for them. Not like that anymore.
So...there are a couple of movies, a couple of Nintendo DS games that they would like to own...some CD's....yadah yadah yadah! Junk if you ask me. Can't find a Wii anywhere for them. So that seems to be out of the picture. Both need clothes... but they hate getting clothes as gifts. Seems more like a necessity than a "gift"
Other than that, things are ok. I am dealing with my Short term Disability people trying to get paid for my time out of work right now. That is proving to be my biggest challenge. (If only life could stay that way!!! LOL)
I got a really cool email from my friend Logey. Talking about making Tuesday a prayer day in her life. She sent it asking that her friends join her in praying. I am ALL about it. I think that if we can truly get behind a prayer day in our lives, and in the lives of our families, we could move the hand of God.
2 Chronicles 7:14-
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
Isn't this what we need? A national healing? Something miraculous to shake us from our slumber? I wonder if we, as a nation, approached life with the same zeal that we do our time with God...if we would be as prosperous as we are in America? Some how I doubt it. There is always time for 'other' things. Always time to do the things that we deem 'important'. But when was the last time that we realized that what we do in the spiritual far outweighs the natural accomplishments that we boast about.
I want my everlasting testimony to stand strong. Even more so than my resume' and the accomplishments that I achieve here on earth. That my "God Story" would impact those around me to live a little closer... My husband preached it on Sunday. That we need to be OPEN books. Not a great novel hidden for all time. But a living story of God's grace and mercy in action.
Hope that you find your self...re-reading some of your pages. Looking for the God moments that have changed your perception of situations.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Is that the Sun that I see???
Is that a break in the grey clouds that have been looming around me for a while? Hmmm... I wonder!
I have spent several hours with a couple of friends in the last few days. And I think that I needed them. I am the type of person that needs to "shake off" that kind of depression in order to see the dawn of a new day.
Now, I am not saying that in a matter of 48 hours, I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. But I feel like I can take a few more bricks out of the wall that holds me back from realizing the BEST that God has for me, and that is progress! EVERY little step forward is a celebration that I am not where I used to be. I might not have arrived at where I am going, but I am not the same that I was yesterday.
Have you ever felt that way? Like Life's storm is just raging around you. Wind blowing, lightening flashing, and thunder rolling? That can be a scary place. I am willing to admit that I find myself there at times. Lately...I have been braving a lot of these "life-storms". I am ready to reach a place of floating on the smooth, calm waters for a while. So maybe the waters have not calmed to still yet, I am encouraged today. That is what having good friends does for me.
I have appreciated everyone who has taken the time to listen and really hear me in the last few days.
"Wait on the Lord, and be of good courage, and He will strenghten your heart. (Ps 27:14) I have decided that sometimes I can't do anything but wait!!
Here I am Lord....WAITING! Help me to be happy in waiting on you. When I get ahead of you....boy, do I make a mess of things. When I sit down and allow you to get too far ahead...I lose my way....and I make a mess of things. When I stay close to you, tucked under the shelter of the almighty....I AM SAFE. I AM HAPPY...I AM HEALTHY....I AM RESTORED...I AM STRONG....I AM RENEWED...I AM the woman that I was created to be.
I like that woman a whole lot better than the one who lives feeling defeated and depressed. I am sure that other people around me do too. I want to live a life that reflects the VICTORY that I find in Christ. So if I need to hurt, and struggle in order to have someone else see that it is possible...I'll go there with you, LORD. I don't want to profess to the world that life is a bed of roses....and then....live in the agony of defeat. I want to be real...and I want to be BOLD enough to allow others to see it in me, and still come out on the other side... So that they can know, when life is weighing heavy on them, and trials don't seem to have an end in sight.... JOY will come in the MORNING. I can reach back into my own experiences....and say...I remember a time, when God moved on my behalf....and I know for sure...he can DO IT FOR YOU.
Duty calls. Baby shower preparation is in full swing. Master Ethen Michael... I want my new nephew to know that we loved him from the time before he was born. I want God to use this time to leave a "footprint" on my family. One that will be a place where we will look back and remember God's grace, and his blessings on us!!!
Talk at you soon!!
J
I have spent several hours with a couple of friends in the last few days. And I think that I needed them. I am the type of person that needs to "shake off" that kind of depression in order to see the dawn of a new day.
Now, I am not saying that in a matter of 48 hours, I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. But I feel like I can take a few more bricks out of the wall that holds me back from realizing the BEST that God has for me, and that is progress! EVERY little step forward is a celebration that I am not where I used to be. I might not have arrived at where I am going, but I am not the same that I was yesterday.
Have you ever felt that way? Like Life's storm is just raging around you. Wind blowing, lightening flashing, and thunder rolling? That can be a scary place. I am willing to admit that I find myself there at times. Lately...I have been braving a lot of these "life-storms". I am ready to reach a place of floating on the smooth, calm waters for a while. So maybe the waters have not calmed to still yet, I am encouraged today. That is what having good friends does for me.
I have appreciated everyone who has taken the time to listen and really hear me in the last few days.
"Wait on the Lord, and be of good courage, and He will strenghten your heart. (Ps 27:14) I have decided that sometimes I can't do anything but wait!!
Here I am Lord....WAITING! Help me to be happy in waiting on you. When I get ahead of you....boy, do I make a mess of things. When I sit down and allow you to get too far ahead...I lose my way....and I make a mess of things. When I stay close to you, tucked under the shelter of the almighty....I AM SAFE. I AM HAPPY...I AM HEALTHY....I AM RESTORED...I AM STRONG....I AM RENEWED...I AM the woman that I was created to be.
I like that woman a whole lot better than the one who lives feeling defeated and depressed. I am sure that other people around me do too. I want to live a life that reflects the VICTORY that I find in Christ. So if I need to hurt, and struggle in order to have someone else see that it is possible...I'll go there with you, LORD. I don't want to profess to the world that life is a bed of roses....and then....live in the agony of defeat. I want to be real...and I want to be BOLD enough to allow others to see it in me, and still come out on the other side... So that they can know, when life is weighing heavy on them, and trials don't seem to have an end in sight.... JOY will come in the MORNING. I can reach back into my own experiences....and say...I remember a time, when God moved on my behalf....and I know for sure...he can DO IT FOR YOU.
Duty calls. Baby shower preparation is in full swing. Master Ethen Michael... I want my new nephew to know that we loved him from the time before he was born. I want God to use this time to leave a "footprint" on my family. One that will be a place where we will look back and remember God's grace, and his blessings on us!!!
Talk at you soon!!
J
Monday, November 26, 2007
Wonder what was on the agenda today?
Oh that's right, I went to the Doctor. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am about writing about it? It seems that I am obsessed with what they say, and the next course of action that "they" are going to follow for me. Seems like "THEY" know it all, and I know nothing. Other than to follow them blindly. I am So over it. ALL of it. I believe with all of my heart, I would have never gotten sick had it not been for a Dr. According to that same Dr, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to have started on this road because of anything that he had done. But, of course, they know everything and I ...know nothing.
So enough about them for today. I feel out of control. I don't know what the next step is. I am not sure if it is to the right or left, and normally, I am pretty sure about the general direction. But at this point. I am confident in one thing. I am sure of NOTHING. Other than my love for my kids and my parents. Both of which are there when I need someone. Have a said lately how TRULY grateful I am for both of these guys? Love my kids!!! They drive me up a wall....They make me yell and want to scream sometimes....They make me want to hold them and protect them from any of life's harsh reality. I feel like they love me. Sometimes I feel like a piggy bank to them, but I guess, who else is supposed to be their piggy bank??? Isn't that kind of my job too?
My mom and dad....they are just great people. They are my heroes. They take care of me when no one else is there to. They show up for the jobs that are SO thankless. Not the ones that are the glorious ones. My mom cooking ....My daddy helping around the house. I appreciate their time, and the effort they put into taking care of me. I hope when I say the words " Thank you" that it really hits them. I hope they know that it isn't an obligatory nicety. I hope they realize that it is a from the heart " I realize that you could be doing something that is more ..........................) (fill in the blank)glamorous....fun....wild..... I hope that I'll have lots of time to make it up to them.
Hmmmm...... Just makes me wonder??
Why do we keep staring at the same people and situations and waiting for them to bloom into the perfect answer to our problems? I see my husband do it. Sitting and looking at the same people waiting for them to become faithful to him. When in reality, the only human that is oath bound to be faithful to him is me. People who are not faithful to God will give account to God for that. Not to the Pastor, not to his board, not to any human, but there are consequences to showing ourselves unfaithful. When men can't count on us? When our word is doubted? It is a powerful thing.
The Bible says Let your Yes be Yes! Not for us to be double minded.
Lord, when People look inside my life, I pray they see a woman of integrity. That will let her yes be yes. That will show up when she gives her word. Even when it is inconvenient or when my flesh has been hurt. Lord, let me not look at my circumstances and choose to be selfish. Let me always realize that the BETTER choice, the more NOBLE choice to esteem others higher than myself. Lord, that I would pray for those who use me. Even when we share DNA or a pew on Sunday. Even when we expect better from them.
Lord help me to have a heavenly vision and see in people what you see. And let me have a boldness to call them out when it is necessary. Not in self righteousness, but in correction, with the right spirit.
If I can become the woman that God has called me to be through all of this STUFF, then it is worth it ALL. ALL of it. The Tears....the frustration.... the loss.... the hurt...... the sick....
Lord....you can do all things....ALL things....I can't wait to see what you are going to do with this one.
So enough about them for today. I feel out of control. I don't know what the next step is. I am not sure if it is to the right or left, and normally, I am pretty sure about the general direction. But at this point. I am confident in one thing. I am sure of NOTHING. Other than my love for my kids and my parents. Both of which are there when I need someone. Have a said lately how TRULY grateful I am for both of these guys? Love my kids!!! They drive me up a wall....They make me yell and want to scream sometimes....They make me want to hold them and protect them from any of life's harsh reality. I feel like they love me. Sometimes I feel like a piggy bank to them, but I guess, who else is supposed to be their piggy bank??? Isn't that kind of my job too?
My mom and dad....they are just great people. They are my heroes. They take care of me when no one else is there to. They show up for the jobs that are SO thankless. Not the ones that are the glorious ones. My mom cooking ....My daddy helping around the house. I appreciate their time, and the effort they put into taking care of me. I hope when I say the words " Thank you" that it really hits them. I hope they know that it isn't an obligatory nicety. I hope they realize that it is a from the heart " I realize that you could be doing something that is more ..........................) (fill in the blank)glamorous....fun....wild..... I hope that I'll have lots of time to make it up to them.
Hmmmm...... Just makes me wonder??
Why do we keep staring at the same people and situations and waiting for them to bloom into the perfect answer to our problems? I see my husband do it. Sitting and looking at the same people waiting for them to become faithful to him. When in reality, the only human that is oath bound to be faithful to him is me. People who are not faithful to God will give account to God for that. Not to the Pastor, not to his board, not to any human, but there are consequences to showing ourselves unfaithful. When men can't count on us? When our word is doubted? It is a powerful thing.
The Bible says Let your Yes be Yes! Not for us to be double minded.
Lord, when People look inside my life, I pray they see a woman of integrity. That will let her yes be yes. That will show up when she gives her word. Even when it is inconvenient or when my flesh has been hurt. Lord, let me not look at my circumstances and choose to be selfish. Let me always realize that the BETTER choice, the more NOBLE choice to esteem others higher than myself. Lord, that I would pray for those who use me. Even when we share DNA or a pew on Sunday. Even when we expect better from them.
Lord help me to have a heavenly vision and see in people what you see. And let me have a boldness to call them out when it is necessary. Not in self righteousness, but in correction, with the right spirit.
If I can become the woman that God has called me to be through all of this STUFF, then it is worth it ALL. ALL of it. The Tears....the frustration.... the loss.... the hurt...... the sick....
Lord....you can do all things....ALL things....I can't wait to see what you are going to do with this one.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I really need to...
So there are probably a list of things that "I need to..." And I am not sure what the priority of them is.
So here we go.
1. Get better. I am so ready to be healthy. Just when I think that I am feeling better, (physical therapy has been my new method of attempting to right the health "wrongs" that I have been experiencing. I go to the Dr, who took me out of work...(thanks Doc!! so that my co-workers don't have to watch this cruel game anymore) Some days feeling so-so...other days wondering why I would even want to take my head off of the pillow. UGH.
I think that some of the medications have been counteracting the positive things that I have been doing to try to get better. Physical Therapy is "vestibular rehabilitation therapy" and I was feeling better until one of the medications seems to have interfered with that progress. So....what does all of this mean? Two steps forward, one back. Seems to be my mantra.
2. Get My life in order. My work situation, is weighing heavy on my shoulders. I am currently on a short term disability leave from a job that I don't have for very much longer. I have never "lost" a job. And even now, I don't know that getting laid off is the same as getting fired, but some how in my mind. My ego seems to have taken a hit below the belt. And I don't like the feeling. The Bible is clear that God will not allow anything that we can not handle without making a way of escape... Wonder if the looney bin is my way of escape at this particular point in life. Everything seems so overwhelming. And I hate that feeling.
3. Get My Caleb straightened around. My sweet teen...the one that I love so much. Whose ADD issues make me NUTSO with all of this other stuff. His laziness adding to the stress I feel from his teachers. I just want him to do what he is supposed to do. To not use the words " I forgot" I have decided that these two little words should be removed from the English language. Simply because they are not an excuse, and if you are a forgettful person, then WRITE IT DOWN. Some times we all have to do that .
4. Get My Kelsey's life vision corrected!! While I worry about Caleb for so many reasons, Kelsey worries me for others completely. Cay has a strong moral compass, not easily giving in to peer pressure, or looking for outside approval. I think sometimes if he cared a little more, I wouldn't see some of the stuff that I do out of him. Kelsey Jeanne.... My exact opposite. How is that EVEN possible??? Raised by the same parents and yet SOOOOO different. Times like this that I KNOW that God has a sense of humor. Because Kelsey, she is so concerned, about name brands, about who thinks what about her clothes and shoes.... And if the truth be told, I don't care about that stuff. I buy for her what I like on her. If it happens to be a name brand...great, if not...even better for my wallet. But as she is getting older, boy, oh boy, we get questioned about the kind of music that she is allowed to listen to, when she will be allowed to date....and HELLO....she isn't 11 yet...SLOW the ROLL sister!!!
5. HOLD on to My Marriage. Sometimes being a pastor's wife isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes I feel like our life is in direct competition with my husband's church. AND it bothers me. Not because the church is demanding, but because HE is consumed by it. He neglects every duty he has as a father and husband to think about "church stuff" and some days, I weary of it. Some times I wish the first love was us, and not being busy for God. Now...let me be clear, I don't ever want God's place in Glen's heart. Because, Hello...the reason that I fell in love with him so many years ago was his love of the Lord. I just wish that his family mattered a little more. Maybe God will reveal that to him. I pray so. Some days, I want him to be as excited about planning for family as he is about planning for church. But I guess I should be grateful, and I'll pray that God will change my attitude. I think in getting sick, it has really brought me full circle, that my kids wouldn't make it with out the help of my parents. This makes me really sad, but I am VERY grateful for them. They are there when I am not well enough to be, or when Glen can't be. They take the EDGE off of life right now for me. and I am so Grateful!!!!
6. DEVELOP SUPER POWERS to make this all possible. I know in myself I can't do any of these things. Why? Because in myself, I would have given up a long time ago. I would have gone to bed pull the covers up over my head and wasted away to nothing. So, Right now, I feel a little self pity. I want to be loved. I want to be healthy. I want to be the wife, and employee and mom, and Pastor's wife, and friend, and co-worker and super hero that I feel I am SUPPOSED to be. SO WHY DO I FEEL SO FRAIL? WHY SO BROKEN? WHY SO UNLOVEABLE?
I am reminded of a song.... from my teen years. One that good ole' Amy Grant used to sing...about Arms of Love.
In the place I found that I can hide
It's safe inside Your Arms of Love
Like a child whose held throughout a storm
You keep me warm
In Your Arms of Love.
Lord...Teach me to Stay there....
So here we go.
1. Get better. I am so ready to be healthy. Just when I think that I am feeling better, (physical therapy has been my new method of attempting to right the health "wrongs" that I have been experiencing. I go to the Dr, who took me out of work...(thanks Doc!! so that my co-workers don't have to watch this cruel game anymore) Some days feeling so-so...other days wondering why I would even want to take my head off of the pillow. UGH.
I think that some of the medications have been counteracting the positive things that I have been doing to try to get better. Physical Therapy is "vestibular rehabilitation therapy" and I was feeling better until one of the medications seems to have interfered with that progress. So....what does all of this mean? Two steps forward, one back. Seems to be my mantra.
2. Get My life in order. My work situation, is weighing heavy on my shoulders. I am currently on a short term disability leave from a job that I don't have for very much longer. I have never "lost" a job. And even now, I don't know that getting laid off is the same as getting fired, but some how in my mind. My ego seems to have taken a hit below the belt. And I don't like the feeling. The Bible is clear that God will not allow anything that we can not handle without making a way of escape... Wonder if the looney bin is my way of escape at this particular point in life. Everything seems so overwhelming. And I hate that feeling.
3. Get My Caleb straightened around. My sweet teen...the one that I love so much. Whose ADD issues make me NUTSO with all of this other stuff. His laziness adding to the stress I feel from his teachers. I just want him to do what he is supposed to do. To not use the words " I forgot" I have decided that these two little words should be removed from the English language. Simply because they are not an excuse, and if you are a forgettful person, then WRITE IT DOWN. Some times we all have to do that .
4. Get My Kelsey's life vision corrected!! While I worry about Caleb for so many reasons, Kelsey worries me for others completely. Cay has a strong moral compass, not easily giving in to peer pressure, or looking for outside approval. I think sometimes if he cared a little more, I wouldn't see some of the stuff that I do out of him. Kelsey Jeanne.... My exact opposite. How is that EVEN possible??? Raised by the same parents and yet SOOOOO different. Times like this that I KNOW that God has a sense of humor. Because Kelsey, she is so concerned, about name brands, about who thinks what about her clothes and shoes.... And if the truth be told, I don't care about that stuff. I buy for her what I like on her. If it happens to be a name brand...great, if not...even better for my wallet. But as she is getting older, boy, oh boy, we get questioned about the kind of music that she is allowed to listen to, when she will be allowed to date....and HELLO....she isn't 11 yet...SLOW the ROLL sister!!!
5. HOLD on to My Marriage. Sometimes being a pastor's wife isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes I feel like our life is in direct competition with my husband's church. AND it bothers me. Not because the church is demanding, but because HE is consumed by it. He neglects every duty he has as a father and husband to think about "church stuff" and some days, I weary of it. Some times I wish the first love was us, and not being busy for God. Now...let me be clear, I don't ever want God's place in Glen's heart. Because, Hello...the reason that I fell in love with him so many years ago was his love of the Lord. I just wish that his family mattered a little more. Maybe God will reveal that to him. I pray so. Some days, I want him to be as excited about planning for family as he is about planning for church. But I guess I should be grateful, and I'll pray that God will change my attitude. I think in getting sick, it has really brought me full circle, that my kids wouldn't make it with out the help of my parents. This makes me really sad, but I am VERY grateful for them. They are there when I am not well enough to be, or when Glen can't be. They take the EDGE off of life right now for me. and I am so Grateful!!!!
6. DEVELOP SUPER POWERS to make this all possible. I know in myself I can't do any of these things. Why? Because in myself, I would have given up a long time ago. I would have gone to bed pull the covers up over my head and wasted away to nothing. So, Right now, I feel a little self pity. I want to be loved. I want to be healthy. I want to be the wife, and employee and mom, and Pastor's wife, and friend, and co-worker and super hero that I feel I am SUPPOSED to be. SO WHY DO I FEEL SO FRAIL? WHY SO BROKEN? WHY SO UNLOVEABLE?
I am reminded of a song.... from my teen years. One that good ole' Amy Grant used to sing...about Arms of Love.
In the place I found that I can hide
It's safe inside Your Arms of Love
Like a child whose held throughout a storm
You keep me warm
In Your Arms of Love.
Lord...Teach me to Stay there....
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