Wonder what was on the agenda today?

Oh that's right, I went to the Doctor. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am about writing about it? It seems that I am obsessed with what they say, and the next course of action that "they" are going to follow for me. Seems like "THEY" know it all, and I know nothing. Other than to follow them blindly. I am So over it. ALL of it. I believe with all of my heart, I would have never gotten sick had it not been for a Dr. According to that same Dr, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to have started on this road because of anything that he had done. But, of course, they know everything and I ...know nothing.

So enough about them for today. I feel out of control. I don't know what the next step is. I am not sure if it is to the right or left, and normally, I am pretty sure about the general direction. But at this point. I am confident in one thing. I am sure of NOTHING. Other than my love for my kids and my parents. Both of which are there when I need someone. Have a said lately how TRULY grateful I am for both of these guys? Love my kids!!! They drive me up a wall....They make me yell and want to scream sometimes....They make me want to hold them and protect them from any of life's harsh reality. I feel like they love me. Sometimes I feel like a piggy bank to them, but I guess, who else is supposed to be their piggy bank??? Isn't that kind of my job too?

My mom and dad....they are just great people. They are my heroes. They take care of me when no one else is there to. They show up for the jobs that are SO thankless. Not the ones that are the glorious ones. My mom cooking ....My daddy helping around the house. I appreciate their time, and the effort they put into taking care of me. I hope when I say the words " Thank you" that it really hits them. I hope they know that it isn't an obligatory nicety. I hope they realize that it is a from the heart " I realize that you could be doing something that is more ..........................) (fill in the blank)glamorous....fun....wild..... I hope that I'll have lots of time to make it up to them.

Hmmmm...... Just makes me wonder??

Why do we keep staring at the same people and situations and waiting for them to bloom into the perfect answer to our problems? I see my husband do it. Sitting and looking at the same people waiting for them to become faithful to him. When in reality, the only human that is oath bound to be faithful to him is me. People who are not faithful to God will give account to God for that. Not to the Pastor, not to his board, not to any human, but there are consequences to showing ourselves unfaithful. When men can't count on us? When our word is doubted? It is a powerful thing.

The Bible says Let your Yes be Yes! Not for us to be double minded.

Lord, when People look inside my life, I pray they see a woman of integrity. That will let her yes be yes. That will show up when she gives her word. Even when it is inconvenient or when my flesh has been hurt. Lord, let me not look at my circumstances and choose to be selfish. Let me always realize that the BETTER choice, the more NOBLE choice to esteem others higher than myself. Lord, that I would pray for those who use me. Even when we share DNA or a pew on Sunday. Even when we expect better from them.

Lord help me to have a heavenly vision and see in people what you see. And let me have a boldness to call them out when it is necessary. Not in self righteousness, but in correction, with the right spirit.

If I can become the woman that God has called me to be through all of this STUFF, then it is worth it ALL. ALL of it. The Tears....the frustration.... the loss.... the hurt...... the sick....

Lord....you can do all things....ALL things....I can't wait to see what you are going to do with this one.