Ramblings in the wee hours

So it is late...or should I say early morning on Weds Dec 12.

I can't sleep again. Stress. That is why. Have my sleep study tonight. Can't say that I am looking forward to it. LOL.

Not a good night at the Keefer house. I am frustrated. With Kids...husband, and a lack of support and obedience from them. Ever get the feeling like you are in over your head? I am SO there.

Maybe I was meant to be a Doctor or a lawyer? Maybe an astronaut? Maybe anything but what I am today. I am just NOT feeling it. AT all. Life seems like it is passing me by and I sit at the sidelines waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to take a more active role in shaping my future. Maybe I need to go back to school? Maybe get back to finding out who I am.

I mean, I got married so young. Then only about 6 months of marriage...I was pregnant with Caleb. Not a whole lot of time to "chart my own course" as an adult. I feel like I went from being my father's daughter to being my husband's wife. I never really did anything on my own. EVER. Yet I am quick to try to instill that in Kelsey. I want her to grow to be self sufficient, to stand on her own two feet as a woman. Maybe I am not the right person to teach her how? Maybe she needs the mentoring of someone who has been there and done that.

Glen isn't much help when I start pondering these things. His answer to everything is that if you ignore it; it will go away. I don't want this to go away. To put the issue on the shelf only to have it resurface again. I want to deal with it so that future decisions will not leave me in the quandry of what the "next" thing to do is. I am feeling like that is not the answer to this one. I am definately feeling inadequate. My husband let me know that I don't do much right anymore. So what now? Pretend like everything is ok again....

I don't think so. I feel like I need to do something. Maybe a change of scenery. Maybe that is exactly what I need. Hmmm.... Wonder where a middle aged woman can go to "find" herself?

Maybe I could be useful to my family if I had a better handle on who I am? Then again...maybe they would decide once and for all that they really don't like the "me" that I have become. And then what?

Gonna try to get some rest and mull this one over. Not feeling so "triumphant" tonight. Not feeling like there is hope at the end of the trial. Just feeling kind of beat up and beat down.